Not sure, if anyone relates, but my entire life, since I can remember, I never belonged anywhere.

From Elementary school to High School, I was always this “odd” girl that could never fully belong. Either I had to commute to school for 30 minutes and all of my friends lived in the neighborhood close to it, so I could never hang out after school or do homework together or just simply play or deepen my relationships with the other kids my age, and so when other girls friendships were deepening, I had a feeling of being left out. At the same time, in the neighborhood I grew up in, I could not make a lot of friends, because all of those kids, went to school together in the area, and had more in common with each other than me. Kids, that lived in the same building as me and my older sister, were more her age than mine, and so, yet again, you guessed it, I was not fitting in either.

Being a very late bloomer, didn’t help my situation one bit. When all of the girls my age, and I mean, ALL of the girls, were starting to hang out with boys, being interested in dating and kissing, I preferred playing dolls, horseback riding, reading books, and would find boys annoying, immature and uncultured, which left me feeling like an outsider, once again.

High School was the same. A bit different, on WHY I was so to speak rejected, but as far as the outcome goes, the same. Let me explain. One particular boy, had a major crush on me, and since I paid zero attention to him and could not stand his presence, his affection became stronger. He would not look at nor pursue any girl in my entire High School, and would only want to hang out with his friends (guys) or try to have a conversation with me. We were in the same classes and in most of them, I was able to avoid sitting near him, but Biology course was an exception. By the time I arrived to my classroom, everyone had a pair. All of the seats/ double tables were taken. And the only open spot, was next to HIM. I was literally crying that day, when I got home. I was so upset at the situation, that I would literally take my frustrations on him, and refused to share a textbook, or let him borrow a pen or a pencil and most days, just pretended he did not exist. To my absolute horror, and as a cherry on top, he happened to be a dream guy for every girl attending my school. Girls were trying to hunt him down in between classes, talk to him during lunch breaks, stalked hallways just to catch a glimpse of him, and ended up being rejected by him, because he was hunting me, and I was running away from him. So, naturally, I became an “enemy number 1” to every female at my school. Brilliant.

Last year of High School was the year, I slowly started transitioning from an “ugly duckling” to a very awkward swan. I would get more attention from the opposite sex, which resulted in more animosity from the girls. especially that I was selected to dance during the elite opening dance to Prom, called Polonez, and space was very limited due to having more females attending my year than males, and I got a spot, while some girls did not get that opportunity.

To make things even more painful and complicated for me, as fate would have it, one day, while waiting for a bus, I got noticed by a scout for one of the Polish fashion houses, and shortly after I started walking on a catwalk, which was mentioned by one of my teachers in front of the class, as I needed to leave early that day. And so, if by now, I wasn’t the least popular girl at my school, I just got assigned to that role.

I did fit in a bit more, so to speak, during my college years, and managed to make some friends, but after graduating, I moved to the USA, and lost most of the friendships I build during that period.

In the US, again, I did not fit in. My accent, culture, different upbringing, European look, personality, language barrier, sense of humor, made me an outsider.

Fast forward to now, and I’m still that shoe that does not fit. Even more so now, than ever.

I’m separated from my second husband and soon to be divorced. Again. With the kids. While most of my friends my age, are still married, living in their little bubbles, raising families, I am very much single, and my life looks completely different from theirs. My other friends, are ten to fifteen years younger that me, single, with no kids. Their dating scene, opportunities and life in general, looks very different from mine. So, yet again. It’s extremely difficult for me to fit in.

I’m in my early forties, and look like I’m in my early thirties. My biological age is the same. Early thirties. Which is amazing, to some degree, but can also cause some turbulences in my dating scene.

Men, in the age group I look like, and mostly associate with, are looking for women their chronological age, with no kids and no “baggage”. Even if those men, already have a kid or two and are divorced themselves, they’re not focusing on someone in my situation, no matter how gorgeous I might be. It also puts me in a very awkward position, as I can not possibly explain that I’m in my early forties only on the paper.

Second age group, would be a group of men, that are mirroring my calendar age, which I could still technically date, but those men, are pretty much done having kids, or not looking for stable longterm relationships, or marriage as they went through that stage in life and are not too keen on jumping back on that wagon. Not to mention, their kids are mostly grown and in college, while mine are still pretty young. Raising a family does not seem too appealing to them.

Third group, would be a bracket of men ten years my age. As I could easily relate to an emotional maturity of such individuals, as I am a very old soul myself, the lack of physical aspect or ability to rebuild so called empire I once had, would be an obstacle not to be ignored, and making it impossible for me to overcome.

Most days, I don’t think about those things, and it’s not like I am trying to, or have time. But some days… Just some days… Those thoughts catch up to me. And I just “feel”. And I don’t have the strength to fight those feelings off. Nor the tears, uncontrollably falling down my cheeks.